Okay, guys, I know you have been getting
a little bored with the products that we have been selling,
so today is very exciting,
'cause we are going to start selling a new product!
Well, that's the thing though, is I don't sell products.
I sell, like, vibes, and right now
the only vibe I'm catching is that you looking good, girl.
BLAKE: Down, boy. DERS: Ow!
Now, I could read off of some boring, old product info pamphlet,
but I thought it would be a lot more fun
if we brought in the inventor of the product himself,
so put your hands together for Fireman Ted, huh?
(CLAPPING)
Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Miss Murphy,
- very much. - Oh, well, thank you, Fireman Ted.
I thank all of you for your time.
Let's just say that one night you're out with your best friends and extended family
enjoying a couple of platters of Johnsonville brats
when suddenly, you smell heavy smoke,
and you turn around only to find that you are all trapped by a raging fire.
Blinded by the smoke, you call out to your buddies,
"Hey, buddies, where are you? Where are you?"
But they can't hear you because of the roar of the raging fire,
and they cannot respond because of the noxious smoke
- that is searing their lungs. - (COUGHS).
And then they die,
and I'm talking crispy critter dead.
And you spend the rest of your life
just wishing there was something you could have done
to prevent that horror.
The Smoke Cutter.
A safety whistle with a built-in air filter which allows its user to breathe smoke-free
while simultaneously emitting a very distinct whistle.
(BLOWS DISTORTED WHISTLE)
Um, do you think you're on Shark Tank right now?
- (LAUGHTER) - "For that reason, I'm out."
I don't care what you people think,
we are selling these Smoke Cutters, and that is final.
You really think there's any good reason we're gonna sell anything made by this dork?
- Because this dork is my dad! - (BLOWS DISTORTED WHISTLE)
(BEATBOXING)
(SINGING) I'm fresh
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, gotta
Gotta be fresh
- Yeah! - Ninja star!
BLAKE: How dare the two of you smoke the rest of my stash!
You know that today I didn't wake and bake, I just waked.
Ow! You son of a gun. I swear to God...
- Ow! Oh, that one freakin' hurt. - Dude, are you hurting?
- Yeah, that one sliced me. - ALICE: Okay, excuse me.
Excuse me. You guys haven't sold one whistle.
Okay, you know what? Stop effing around
and get back on the phones, now!
Look, I don't want to offend you or diss you
by saying what I'm about to say, but...
Your dad's Smoke Cutters blow ass.
If I shit in a tin cup, you should be able to sell it.
We could probably sell that a little easier because of, like, fetish sites and stuff.
- Yeah. - People are freaks, Alice.
- Ugh. - ADAM: Ew!
Actually, I'll take one.
Okay, look, I'm sorry, but I need you guys to sell these, okay,
because my dad has been driving me crazy
about giving him grandkids, so to get him off my ass,
I said, "Why don't you take a business class? Invent something."
Then he sunk his life freaking savings
into these stupid whistles, so we have to sell them,
or I gotta find a hubby and shoot a pup out my hoo-hoo.
I hear you loud and clear.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, there you are. - (LAUGHS).
This place is a labyrinth.
Hey, how's it going? Let me sidle up next to you
and let you know that my intentions with your daughter
have been and always will be pure. Hi, I'm Adam.
You two are dating?
- Oh. (LAUGHS) - ADAM: Yes,
in a very significant way.
It started off purely physical, but then it got emotional,
and then it went back to physical,
but my intentions are pure. I want you to know that.
- (LAUGHS) I bet they are. - Ow. They are.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) - Ow. They are.
Yeah, Adam and I are dating.
Anyway, but I wanted to tell you, the boys are, like, super excited
to sell your Smoke Cutters,
- aren't you, guys? Yeah. - Oh? Ooh, nice.
So, let's get down to it. How many you sold?
Dozen? Two dozen?
- Zero. - Zero for now,
but we are gonna call in a very wonderful sales consultant
and just see if he can't work some magic for us, right, guys?
- Yeah, yeah. - And he will.
I mean, we were just talking about how fantastic
- this Smoke Cutter product is. - ADAM: Oh, yeah.
It's the second most fantastic thing you've created, hmm?
- (LAUGHS) Yeah, oh. - (CHUCKLES).
- The first being Alice. - You guys got that, right?
- We got it. - No, we totally got it.
Does this look good?
It's my new siggy. "Adam Murphy."
We goin' get mawwied.
- Aw. - And you would take her name?
Yeah.
That's a bitch move, man.
Obviously, we know who the submissive one in that relationship is.
How are we on this fine, uh, whatever-day-it-is morning or afternoon?
Uh, Karl, shut up, and then now talk and tell me why exactly you're in my office.
It's your fault, okay? You were supposed to take me
to him at lunch, so now he's making a delivery, okay?
And I told him to blend in. I love your suit, Karl.
Bazinga.
Ooh. Okay, yeah, but can I just have you hold on for a second?
KARL: Okay, what do we got here? We got some Green Crack...
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm. - Some Kosher Kush.
I got a sativa-dominant hybrid.
Okay, yes, I like that.
MAN: (ON PHONE) I don't want any of that Smoke Cutter thing,
but let me get some of that weed.
My dealer says SoCal's drying out,
- and I can't get good dank to save my life. - DERS: You hit the wrong button. Hang up.
- Uh... Wait, what's up?
You're having trouble finding weed? Is that real, the drought?
- Yeah, it's a drought. - The drought.
- (WHISPERING) Hang up! - I could probably, like, hook you...
Hook you up with some weed, but I mean...
If you buy a whistle, I'II...
I'll throw in some of the sticky icky, huh?
MAN: I'll take two, bruv.
- Oh. - Tell your friends
we are in business over here. Give us a call, okay?
- And you have a nice one. - Okay, I'm sorry, we're doing this?
And that's two whistles sold. Let's go!
- (CLAMORING) - (BLOWS DISTORTED WHISTLE)
I hate this. This thing is really stupid.
- You just sold two? - Yes, I did.
- Sorry, who the hell are you? - Sales consultant.
I thought our regular guy Devin was coming in.
Oh, no. Devin got pink eyes.
I'm Ted Murphy, inventor of Smoke Cutter.
- Mmm-hmm. - Welcome aboard.
Thank you, nice to meet you, sir. I am Kyle Newacheck.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Yeah, hello. - They're calling us?
Absolutely. I can get you four ounces... Of whistles.
That would be, like, uh...
It's, like, 32 whistles. I just... Yeah, I just sold 32 whistles!
Thirty-two! This Newacheck guy is on fire.
Okay, everyone, listen up, please, listen up!
This is Kyle Newacheck, and he is a sales guru,
so please listen to whatever he has to say.
- I don't think that's a good idea. - Okay, cut the shit, Anders.
You know what, he sells and you don't,
so whatever he wants today you fetch, stretch.
- Dad? Sales. - No? All right. All right.
- All right, let's go, Dad. - I love it. All right.
It's a family thing.
Blake, why don't you go ahead and continue doing what you do and make some sales,
and Anders,
let's go to the break room. You're gonna microwave me some toast.
Butter my toast, will you?
Karl,
get in your van and go before I make you.
Okay. So you think this is your jungle
and you're the dominant gorilla, but nah, brother.
I'm the silverback daddy now.
That's exactly the kind of thing that a non-silverback,
what you said, would say, which I'm not gonna say
or even repeat, because I am what that is, for real.
(BOTH SLAM FISTS ON TABLE)
- So it's sexual? - What?
You're taking my clothes off.
You're trying to dominate me sexually.
(SCOFFS) No, I'm not.
But I'm the dom, and you're the little sub,
and guess what? I'ma get you
hard as Plymouth Rock without even touching you.
What?
(MOANING)
You have lost your mind!
- (GAGS) - I do not like this!
Oh, and did I mention?
Did you mention what?
Ah.
(WHISPERING) I swallow.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I'm the dom!
Butter drop, bitch.
(DRUMS BEATING)
Hey.
(BEATBOXING)
So here's the deal.
We're selling weed with these stupid whistles.
That's how I'm doing it. That's the secret.
Look out. Hold up.
How is this even close to legal?
You got us selling weed over the phone?
There's a reason we are really pushing these things,
and it is because...
You know. You saw Alice's dad.
He is obviously, a dying man,
- isn't he? - Oh.
That would explain why Alice is in the mood that she's in all the time.
She is struggling with it, and she is asking us
to be there for her, and the least we can do is push these damn whistles.
- You bastard! How dare you! - (INSPIRING MUSIC PLAYS)
Let's do this for Alice, for Ted, for America.
You know what? Let's ride or die for Ted.
We goin' do it for Ted, everybody, and Alice.
Now, who here has smoked pot before?
Rip it, rip it, rip it, rip it, big ripper.
- Lloyd, smoke up. - (COUGHS).
- Save some for me, you maniacs. - (LAUGHTER).
All right? Now, let's get out there and let's have a really big day.
Let's sell some Smoke Cutters, all right?
Let's go!
This just feels natural, doesn't it?
- Okay, just... - Mmm.
Adam, please just chill out, okay? We are just faking it for a couple of more days
until he leaves, all right?
Yeah, but you know, we might fake it so hard that it ends up becoming real, you know?
Did someone order Italian trio sammies,
chicken caesar salads, and Cherry Coke Zeroes?
- ALICE: I did! Whoo! - (LAUGHS)
TED: I know my little girl.
- All right. - Yeah, you do.
Sweetheart, listen, next time your mom is in town,
we have got to make reservations at this new restaurant
- that Adam told her about. - ADAM: It's so good.
It's this little Italian bistro.
Wait, Adam was telling Mom... What?
Oh, yeah. We've been Facebooking.
I think you guys should actually come out during Thanksgiving.
You guys could stay in Ders's room.
Blake's room, hopefully, will be a nursery by that point.
Wait a minute now, is there some news I should know about?
There is definitely no baby news. Adam is impotent.
I... I'm really sorry to hear about that.
Not as sorry as I am. I mean, it's a true story.
It's sad, he's... He's... He shoots blanks.
But we're... We're going to the sperm doctor,
- and we picked some sperm out. - You know what, Adam? I changed my mind.
Uh, no, I don't think so.
Just get off of me! Yes, I did, I changed my mind.
Wait, so you don't want to have kids with me?
I physically cannot, 'cause your dick does not work!
Why do you gotta be so hurtful to me?
- Yeah, we're gonna do it right now! - We're gonna do it in front of your dad?
- We're doing it right now! - Fine, you know what?
(SOFT PIANO PLAYS)
You know what? Fine.
Then I don't want to be with you, Alice Murphy.
Consider yourself dumped.
'Cause I'm not just a fucktoy.
I'm a fuckperson.
- Guys? What's going on here? - (PHONES RINGING).
What the...
- Gil, your nipples are exposed. Get your... - (PHONE RINGS).
Hello? TelAmeriCorp.
Hey, what's going on? Turn the cartoons off.
It is... Actually a really good episode. Hello?
Everybody's so high. I'm supposed to be high.
Montez, Bill, pick up the phone.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) - Give me the weed.
That's it, you've lost your weed privileges.
- Give it to me. - Oh, that weed's gone, man.
- We smoked it all. - You smoked all of the weed?
Wow, that's real dog shit.
- Oh, look, you're back for more? - You wish. Look, man, we need weed.
Got all these orders, need to ship, like, now.
All right, cool, man, I'll call my guy.
In the meantime, why don't you go wash my van or something?
- (SCOFFS) - Yeah.
Yeah, I bet you'd like that.
Soap suds just dancing down my chest,
down to my pelvic and pubic area.
Want to see my nipples?
Ooh. Yeah!
This is... This ain't for me
(GROANS) I start moving like this.
And I'm, like, doing this? Huh?
- Well, I don't like this kind of stuff. - Oh, you don't like this?
What about this?
Ahhh! Ahhh!
Put it down on it!
You getting chubby now, huh? Ahhh!
You're getting real chubby down there now, huh?
- Ahhh! - (ROARING LIKE A LION)
I'm the dom here. Don't forget it.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Adam. Alice has something that she wants to say to you,
don't you, honey?
- Yes, I do. - Yeah.
Adam, I want to apologize for being so mean to you at lunch.
I miss us.
I know I keep my guard up,
but it's because I've been hurt before.
But I want the real thing. A partner, a family,
- and love. - I want to impregnate you.
I forgive you, Muffin Top.
- Come here. Come here. - Oh.
- (PHONE BUZZING) - Ring, ring, ring, ring.
Oh, that's my cell phone. I gotta take this.
Oh. (SIGHS).
What are you, some kind of love warlock?
Look, I want to give you something.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, no, I don't want to marry you, I want to marry her.
Look, this was Alice's grandmother's ring,
and I know that you will know
the perfect moment to give it to her.
- Who the hell are you? - What? The... What? That's... It's Kyle.
'Cause I just got a call from the real consultant,
and he asked when we could reschedule because he was told I had "pink eyes."
Okay, look... This is our friend, Karl.
Karl is the reason that we are pushing so many whistles.
Nobody was buying them, okay, and we just wanted to help,
and he had an alternative approach
- to this whole situation. - Mmm-hmm.
And what was his alternative "approach"?
Look, but you can't fire me...
- But it's weed. - No.
Yeah, no, we are selling weed with the whistles.
You've been selling weed over the phones?
- That is illegal! Have you lost your minds? - It's... It's him.
Hey, guys, I was writing baby names while taking a shit,
and hey, what do you think of "Bilbo"?
- I should fire you guys. - DERS: Or "Baggins Murphy"?
- Adam! - Alice, please, don't fire us, please?
Okay, we've sold 100 whistles. There's only 50 left.
As soon as we get the weed from the drug dealer,
like, 12 pounds or whatever...
- (WHISPERING) Twelve pounds of weed? - Yeah, we've sold a lot of it.
We start shipping it out, we wash our hands of it all.
Mmm, you know what? Funny you should mention that,
'cause I got off the phone with him a while back,
and he said the drop is off unless we pay triple.
- Triple? What? - Yeah, it's the drought, man.
"Husky," you know, in case he's fat.
- (CLAMORING) - What prices went up?
- Oh. - Huh?
Hey, Dad. Um...
No, we're just having a, uh,
office supply packaging issue with the guy.
It's no big deal. We got it covered. Boring stuff.
- What's the problem? - The guy...
The guy, he promised us one price.
- Uh-huh. - Now he's asking for another,
- just only triple. - Triple?
Wha... Who does that? That's highway robbery.
- That's what I said. - I know, I know.
(GASPS) "Marvin."
Look, Dad, we're totally handling this.
Uh, Kyle is going to take me to talk to his guy today, so...
- That's right. - TED: No.
Honey, this is my product. I am Smoke Cutter.
Now, Newacheck, where are we supposed to meet this guy?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BEATBOXING)
- Is this the guy? - Yeah, yeah, that's him, okay,
but I'm gonna do all the talking 'cause Noel doesn't really trust new people.
How about you don't talk in my backswing, huh?
Well, uh, we're just looking to...
- Hi. I'm Ted Murphy... - Ted Murphy.
...and my associates here, they tell me that you have tripled your price,
and I don't think that's particularly fair,
so I thought that you and I, we could get together,
and I could help you to help me to help you
to find something that works for everybody.
(LAUGHS)
You're kind of new in this business, aren't you?
(LAUGHS) Well, fair enough,
but I will tell you this little secret about myself.
I do know smoke and I do know green.
Uh, okay, grandpa, you want to talk green?
We'll talk green.
You guys want 12 pounds?
Yes, that would be much appr... Mucho appreciated.
What are we talking, money or packing peanuts?
(LAUGHS)
What the fuck?
Okay, look, this seems like it's gonna take a while to sort out,
so, Dad, why don't we hit the pro shop and buy a round?
You know, we'll catch up with you guys. Adam, help me.
That's right, family time.
- Come on, Dad. - Come on, Dad.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Karl, could you figure something out, please, quickly?
- Just a dab'll do me. - No, 12 pounds is great.
- No. - Come on, come on!
No, no, no, buddy. Hop on.
Uh, hold on one second.
- You on? - Yeah.
Okay. No, no, hold on, buddy!
Let's just lower the price and we'll move some product together.
Whoa, look at you, making demands...
Hey! You give us the price that you promised,
because word is bond!
- Did you just cut me off? - Well... (SCOFFS)
Dude, stop trying to dom him, dude, this is not the time.
If you can't dom that sub, then what kind of dom are you?
- How do I look? - Phenomenal.
I hope you're ready to get hard.
- What? - That's right.
- No. - Oh, my God.
You ready to get real freaky?
'Cause one ball ain't as good as two.
- Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm. - Please don't do that.
- Mmm. - Stop.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY) - Please stop.
- (MOANING) - Don't... Don't do a dance.
- (MOANS) - Oh.
All right, come on, let's hustle back there.
- Come on. - No, Dad, wait, just hold on.
Hey, shut up real quick. Shut up.
What?
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- Alice Murphy? - Oh.
What?
- Will you marry me? - (TED LAUGHS)
What... Okay, what is happening?
No, okay? This is getting out of control.
You gave him Giggy's ring?
Yeah. You two have such an amazing connection.
No, Dad. No, we don't, okay?
- It... - We do.
- It's not real. I... - It is.
I pretended to like Adam because I knew it made you happy,
- but it's a lie. - What?
And your Smoke Cutter sales, they're a lie too.
We used your whistles as a cover to sell pot on the phone.
Sorry.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)
(GROANS) Dude, it's hot. Chubbin' up. Check it out.
- Mmm. - NOEL: Hey, stop, come on, man.
Hey! You gateway-drug dealing scumbag!
- (GRUNTS) - ALL: Oh!
(GRUNTS)
- Whoa. - Oh.
- (GRUNTS) - ALL: Oh!
You give us the original price
or I'm gonna make you swallow this fucking golf ball...
- What? ...with your butt!
(BEATBOXING)
- You gotta, - Gotta be fresh
- TED: Do we have a deal? - Oh, no, Dad, no.
TED: Say it.
What do you think this is, Shark Tank?
Okay, I have a better idea.
- Here. - Wha...
What about now?
We got a deal now? Huh?
Yeah, we have a deal!
Let's play golf.
ALL: Oh!
I didn't mean to do that.
- Worked for me. - Whew, me too, man.
BOTH: Total dom.
Oh! (LAUGHING) Weed!
- I'm sorry, Dad. - Has anybody got a pipe?
That's okay, Alice.
I'm sorry too, Dad.
And Adam, don't you ever lay a finger on my daughter again.
After this order of whistles is sold out, I think I'm just gonna call it quits
- on Smoke Cutters altogether. - Aw.
(BLOWS DISTORTED WHISTLE)
You might not have to.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
Weed.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Get a real job!
MAN: Nice.
- Well, I am stressed! - No, I am stressed!
I got a stress level out to here!
Fine, but you waked and baked.
Yes, I did. I did do that.
Thank you. So I have to leave.
Good luck with your emotions.
(SOBBING)
No, no, not at work.